Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
