She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
