wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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