Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
