We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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