I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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