He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is Oprah even human
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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