The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
