i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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