You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
