Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
