we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
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imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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