My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
