if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
