don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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