Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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