You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
