she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
