we'll go far in life on tits alone.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
