I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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