I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
