Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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