Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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