hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
