I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
