Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
