I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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