good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
