Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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