Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
