i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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