I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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