I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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