Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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