my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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