Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
