State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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