i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
