i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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