When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
