Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
