Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
