Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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