I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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