i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
