he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I did not marry a roomba.
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