Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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