If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
