did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
