just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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