So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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