Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
