wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I will be naked everywhere
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
