Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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