My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
