i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Green mimosas i think yes
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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